Eggs N' Sauce

Good morning and stuff, lets eat or whatever.

So this is something you might not have tried before, and it's quite possibly the dankest breakfast option there is on an overcast day: Eggs n' sauce.

This recipe serves (1) hungover you, or (2) groggy morning people unadulterated by booze.

I digress, in a nonstick pan combine:

1/2 can of diced tomatoes, juice and all (or add 1 cup of roughly chopped fresh tomatoes, they will have to cook for longer, use good judgement i.e: your fucking tongue)
1/4 diced onion
2 cloves chopped garlic
good sized pinch of oregano
small sprig of chopped fresh rosemary
salt and pepper to taste

Let it simmer for about 10 minutes or until the onion is soft, or until it taste delicious, whatever comes first.

Bam. Sauce that plate. Cheese on top. Eat with toast and farm fresh egg cooked to your personal preference.

How this bitch makes soup.

*vegetarian directions at the bottom*

How to make soup like a broke ass hippy:

Day old terriyaki chicken with drippings. Into a pot.

Prime rib bones, fat pieces and a meat juice soaked potato half. Radical.

Into the pot as well.

Half an onion that was sitting on the counter, roughly chopped...in you go

The stalk of a Beech mushroom (Shimeji) for most excellent umami additives.

Some shitake mushroom stalks into the mix as well (only eat the caps, yo). Regardless, no flavor gets left behind.

....Add some thinly sliced ginger....

 ....and a piece of miscellaneous kelp

Look at that weird mess.

Top that shit off with water and bring it to a boil....then reduce to a simmer and go do something more interesting for four hours.

Four hours later. All tidbits represented have now been reduced to flavorless nothings with doo doo where their hearts should be. So strain everything (EVERYTHING, you dingus!) out of the broth and discard.

Now you have naked broth. Good. First step:

Remember the mushroom butts from earlier? Now add their torsos and heads into the broth. While the searing hot beef/chicken stock melts off their facial features....

CHOP VEGETABLES!: Napa Cabbage, snow peas, jalapenos, garlic, ginger, scallions, basil and cilantro. (If you want to make shit look all "asian" (not PC) slice it at an angle and really thin.) --->DON'T ADD THIS SHIT YET<---

There is a method to this madness.....starting now:

Add the garlic, ginger and jalapeno to the broth first.

In the meantime...

The Japanese market (Nikka) sells prime, thinly sliced beef in the freezer section between $2/$3 a package. Buy one, thaw out, and portion into bowls raw. It'll cook when you add the broth.

Toss some glass noodles into your simmering stock...for like....4 minutes....till they're done, whatever.

Ladle the cooked noodles, mushrooms, garlic, jalapeno and ginger into your bowls....

...just put it on top of the beef. Nobody cares.

Now for the vegetable part. Always add your vegetables to any soup in the order of which takes longest to cook, ending with those that cook the quickest.

 (Mushy vegetables make me cry blood and punch glass.)

 In this case the cabbage takes the longest. Go. Put it. Now.

In this case actually, the cabbage is the only veggie we need to cook. Surprise! So toss the snow peas, scallions, basil, and cilantro into each bowl.

Ladle the 'al dente' cabbage and TONS OF BROTH into your bowls.

Fuck yeah, it's tasty.

Notes:

*The stock making takes 4 hours, the soup execution itself takes about a half hour. The most labor intensive part is chopping the vegetables, so if you're a fast chopper you are so totally chillin.

*If you don't have pan drippings to start with, add the same ingredients to your choice of beef or chicken stock or both. You may want to add a few soup bones for fun and also why the fuck not? Go big or go home, and if you are making soup you are probably already at home.

Also, don't be a Lazy Logan or a Wasteful Wallace! Start saving your pan drippings, bones, and meat juice tidbits from any meat thing ever. Make haste! Refuse to waste!


VEGETARIAN DIRECTIONS!

If you're a vegetarian/vegan and would like to enjoy this delectable dish meat free, do not fret, you absolutely can! In lieu of all the meat drippings I used to make my broth, use some vegetable stock, ideally mushroom broth...

Because you want this broth packed with way too much flavor, add into your broth: onion, celery, carrot, ginger, mushroom stalks, kelp ( kombu or wakame...either will be delicious), and chopped scallions. You can chop these ingredients all sloppy cause you're just gonna strain it out later. Bring all that to a boil and then turn it down to a simmer.

Vegetarian stocks are more delicate, and it is easier to extract flavor from veggies than meat and bones, so you really only need to boil it for an hour. You can add a bit of soy sauce, miso, or sesame oil for some extra flavor. Taste the broth and see what you think. Remember, you can always add more, but you can't add less. When it tastes awesome strain out all your stock making tidbits for that clear broth look.

Then to that you can add all the veggies and noodles that I used and tofu to your liking, or anything you want. Be creative! It's your soup!

Pantry 101

Hey I have a fact for you! If you refuse to man up and spend 200 bucks on bulking up your pantry you are gonna have a bummed out life.

Just saying.

But hey, once you get your shit together you essentially join a secret club of badasses and also get the ability to fly and become a culinary genius overnight.

 So let's get started:

 

SPICES YOU'RE GONNA WANT ALWAYS:

-oregano

-cumin

-tarragon

-dill

-rosemary

-thyme

-paprika

-celery salt

-Like 12 kinds of salt if you want to be fully legit. (Maldon must be present)

-a pepermill with peppercorns 

(no, no, absolutely no pre-ground pepper what are you DOING?!)

-cayenne pepper

-garlic powder

-onion powder

-ground ginger

-chili powder

-bay leaves

-a bomb ass dank ass steak rub

-cinnamon

-nutmeg

-cloves

-wasabi powder

-colemans mustard powder

-vanilla beans. 

--->BEANS<---

(make yer own extract)

-saffron

Where is the curry powder? Don't be a dingus. Go buy the super duper fresh curry paste from Nikka market in their refrigerator section and don't look back or you'll turn into a pile. 

A pile of what?

Exactly.

Also, you should start an herb garden if you don' t have one already so you can have most of these herbs on hand; and opt for fresh garlic, onion and ginger always. However all of these dried ingredients have their time and place.

 

Always have a supply of root vegetables ('taters, onions, garlic, ginger, carrots, beets whatever) laying around because they last for fucking ever.

Always have citrus on hand. Ideally all of them....but at least lemons and limes.

Citrus makes everything better.

If avocados are in season, keep them in stock as well.

 

Other stuff you're gonna want:

-ANCHOVIES 

(they are the best when salt packed, but they are impossible to find)

-FLOUR

-SUGAR (unbleached)

-an assortment of dried/canned beans (pinto, black, garbanzo whatever)

-an assortment of rice (short grain, long grain, white, brown, arborio, wild)

-quinoa

-oats

-barley

-lentils

-split peas

-popcorn!!! (not microwaveable)

-baking powder

-baking soda

-expensive cocoa powder

-nutritional yeast

-bread yeast

-local honey

-expensive maple syrup

-rapadura (sooooo good on oatmeal)

-Pasta...I guess. I boycott it.

If you're super into baking cookies and cakes and pies and shit (which I am not, you're gonna want to supplement this list from a way more comprehensive baking blog)

 

Just to reiterate: ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have an excess of garlic. It goes in everything, even my tea when I feel sick.  Ginger is usually on hand, and an assortment of chilies. Today I am lucky to have fresh bay leaves from my moms tree, huzzah!

Superboss bonus supplies for the lazy/realistic:

-assorted broths

-canned diced tomatoes

-tomato paste

-pizza sauce for those nights when you are so, so, so lazy

-whole grain mustard

-mayonaise 

ALWAYS HAVE MAYO

-polenta

-a million different kinds of olives/pickled vegetables

-walnuts

-dates

-dried cherries

-dried apricots

(these last four are specifically for the inevitable cheese night.)

You can't ever have enough oils.

In fact, you gotta catch em all.

SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON YOUR OILS.

Seriously guys.

If you're going to get anything organic on this list, get organic oil

You should at least buy these:

-coconut oil (virgin)

-safflower oil (for frying)

-TWO KINDS OF OLIVE OIL: 

-one for cooking that is lower quality and slightly cheaper

-one cloudy-as-fuck unfiltered, cold pressed delicious one for raw applications only (salads and stuff)

-walnut oil (if you like dank ass shit, get it, refrigerate)

-Sesame oil

also:

-mirin (sweet rice wine for cooking)

-balsamic vinegar (don't buy a huge jug for 3 dollars, buy a small, small bottle for way more)

-red wine vinegar

-apple cider vinegar

-ume plum vinegar

-soy sauce

-tamari

-worcestershire

Go shopping, buy the food. If there's stuff on this list that you absolutely KNOW you will never, ever, use...don't get it. 

 

FOODT.W.A.T. GUARANTEE: This incredible investment will get you through all the broke times when you use your last $5.00 in quarters to buy a turnip, a savoy cabbage and a bottle of beer.

Foolproof Teriyaki

Teriyaki sauce is one of the most simple sauces out there, behold:

Combine in a bowl:

1 part soy

and

1 part sugar

Stir till moderately dissolved. If you have that base, you will not fuck up, and it will taste better than anything you will ever buy in a bottle. From there add as much minced, grated or crushed (FRESH) ginger, garlic and scallions as you want. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

I like a really powerful teriyaki that punches you in the goddamn mouth-hole with flavor....So I go pretty heavy on the garlic and ginger. For those with more tender tastebuds, add less of those items.

Taste the sauce as you go. When it tastes delicious to you....stop.

Marinate your chicken/beef/pork ribs/portobella mushrooms/eggplant/pretty much whatever in the sauce for as long as you feel like. I've marinated for two days, and I've marinated for a half-hour. It's all good. Don't forget to make enough sauce to set aside for dipping!! So crucial.

Also, if you decide to grill your teriyaki items, ( Most impressive! ) recognize that it is a sugar based sauce and its gonna make your grill smoke like crazy. So be prepared to cry like a giant she-man-bitch in front of your dinner guests from smoke inhalation.
 

But it's cool cause we can be bosom buddies who have both cried like a giant she-man-bitches in front of 40 people in the name of food.

Success!

Pizza for the poor.

If you are poor like me, make pizza. Dough is cheap to make, and pizza toppings last for days.

My recipes remain in a suspended state of discombobulation so I am embarrassed to admit to using Jamie Oliver's dough recipe. HERE!

There are stipulations upon embarking on a pizza journey:

1. There will be anchovies

2. There will be homemade ranch dressing

If you haven't had homemade ranch yet, holy beaver, are you in for a treat.

In a bowl combine:

1/2 C mayo

3/4 C buttermilk (if you don't have buttermilk you can use regular milk, but use 1/2 cup instead)

2 Tbs dried dill

2 tsp onion powder

2 tsp garlic powder

1 clove finely minced fresh garlic

S & P to taste

That's it! I just stir it all together with a fork. Easy Peasy. If your ranch comes out too runny, add more mayo. If your ranch is too thick, add more milk/buttermilk.

As for anchovies, problem solved: Ceasar salad

Let's make croutons!

To make croutons, cube up whatever bread you have on hand. Whole wheat ciabatta? Bring it on. Crappy white bread? Whatever. Stale bread? I don't care. Some are better than others, but they all serve the same purpose: a crunchy bit of stuff that tastes delicious.

In a small pot or pan combine (on low heat):

-2 Tbs butter
-2 Tbs olive oil 
-2 cloves minced garlic
-pinch of salt

Once everything is melted together, remove from heat.
Dice up three slices of bread and toss it into the pot/pan.
Stir till combined.
Pour contents of pan (including excess butter/oil/garlic tidbits) onto a cookie sheet.
Toast at 350 degrees until crispy.

I'd give you a time for this, but it completely depends on what kind of bread you use as well as how your oven cooks. Set a timer at 5 minute increments to keep an eye on things. They like to burn when you least expect it. Fucking bread. Allow them to cool before you put on your salad.

 The Caesar Dressing:

First part, combine in your (ideally) wooden salad bowl, yes the big one, we're making the dressing IN THE SALAD BOWL ITSELF HOLY BALLSACK :

-3 cloves of garlic, finely microplaned (if you don't have one, go get one NOW)
-3 anchovy fillets
-healthy pinch of Maldon salt





Take a wooden spoon and smash the garlic around with the anchovy and salt until its an excruciatingly sexy paste.

Good job, kiddo.

NOW!


Add:
-The juice of one lemon
-1Tbs whole grain mustard
-1 Tbs Worcestershire sauce
-2 Tbs red wine vinegar
-6 Tbs olive oil.

Stir it around, taste it.
Fuck yeah.

If your dressing is too zingy, add more olive oil. If it tastes to salty or oily, add more citrus/vinegar. If you want a vegetarian caesar, swap out the anchovies for 1 TBS of tahini, and make sure you use a vegetarian worcestershire sauce.

Now add your chopped romaine on top, finely grated parmesan, your fresh crouties, and a dank ass helping of fresh ground pepper. Most triumphant.

PIZZATIME!!!

EVERYTHING GOES GOOD ON PIZZA. Bok choi, corn, bacon, ground beef, broccoli, potatoes (par cooked), shellfish (without the shells), avocado, lettuce, snow peas, asparagus, grated beets, bleu cheese, brie, apples, bananas, dates, nuts, corned beef, hot wing sauce, pears....tapatio. No seriously. I even put Indian food leftovers on a pizza...it was amazing. 

In any case, we bake our pizza in a 550 degree oven on a ceramic pizza stone. Remember: cold stone in a cold oven = good time! Cold stone in a hot oven = ceramic explosion of death. If you don't have a pizza stone, bake it on a cookie sheet!

The pizza pictured above has mushrooms, olives, roasted eggplant, tomatoes, bell peppers, arugula, goat cheese and mozzarella. When I use a delicate green like arugula, I put the cheese on last because the greens will burn if they're on top.

Also, random note, if you're putting vegetables like eggplant, zuchinni or potatoes on your pizza....you should roast them in an oven first before you put them on a pizza. It adds way more flavor.  Just slice your veggies the way you normally would, toss them with olive oil, salt and pepper, and bake them at 350 for like a half hour...maybe 45 minutes. You got this shit.

Taste the Fucking Rainbow.

A week of meals, prepared and ready to go, super healthy as per request. Lunches consisting of salad assortments with hummus and homemade pita chips, a few soups, and some meat dishes for dinner.

Items as shown, left column to right:

1. Shredded carrot salad, orange juice, lemon juice, golden raisins

2. Roasted beet salad, beet greens, orange segments, olive oil, lemon juice, S & P (to be topped with goat cheese...mmm)

3. Steamed green bean salad, fresh corn, shaved shallot, olive oil, S & P

4. Bruschetta (Tomato, garlic, basil, olive oil, dash of balsamic, S & P

5. Tri-Tip Chili (dinner item), onion, celery, carrot, bell pepper, fire roasted serrano and jalapeno peppers, pinto beans, black beans, mom's canned tomatoes (from their prime in the summer) tomato paste, cumin, oregano, S & P

6. Hummus! Self explanitory.

7. Red coconut curry with roasted eggplant, super duper baby bok and pak choi from mom's garden, and tofu

8. White bean salad, capers, shallot, parsley, olive oil, S & P

9. Quinoa and Black bean salad, cilantro, bell pepper, lime juice, cumin, olive oil, S & P

10. Split pea soup (dinner item), chicken broth, ham hock, split peas, onion, celery, carrot, bay leaf

And in the ziploc baggies:

-Marinated portobello mushrooms (olive oil, balsamic, garlic, chopped parsley, cilantro, basil S & P) to be grilled for burgers.

- Marinated free range chicken breasts (cumin, paprika, onion and garlic powders, lime juice, olive oil, S & P for fajitas

- Homemade pita chips

-Oven roasted potatoes (to be served with portobello burgers)

And the convenience of only having to reheat your food if desired, dishes done, counters wiped, no shopping necessary, and a fully loaded fridge with all items labeled with directions for use:

Fucking Priceless.








****I give full credit to Goodland Kitchen for the salad assortment with hummus and pita chips. It's the best place to get lunch in town by far. GO THERE NOW!****

What to do with your godamn chicken:

Hey! In case you followed my video "Cooking a Damn Chicken," here's what you can do with the leftovers.

The night you cook your chicken, put the carcass/pan drippings/leftover garlic tidbits into a pot, lid on, and put it in the fridge.

NEVER THROW AWAY PAN DRIPPINGS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Cool, now the next time you're lazy, ideally within the next three days, all you have to do is pull out that pot, add enough water to cover, toss in:

-1 bay leaf

-1 chopped onion

-2 chopped carrots

-3 chopped stalks of carrots

Nobody cares how you cut them. If they can fit in your mouth you did a good job. Bring that shit to a boil, then reduce to a simmer. The longer you cook it the better it will be, but since you used pan drippings you're cheating the system (yaaaay) and it'll taste good within an hour.

Now, pull out the chicken carcass, man up your fingers you ladygirl and pull off any useable meat, put meat in the soup, discard the carcass and bones.

Super! Add whatever vegetables you want to your soup...I added shredded cabbage and chopped kale to my soup. What will you put in yours?

If I like you a lot, I'll make you an 8 course sushi dinner.

I LOVE SUSHI.  People fuck it up constantly, and tend to really not appreciate it at all. I mean come on! The exquisite artistic presentation?! The small plates?! The freshness of ingredients?! Years of Technique and training?!

APPRECIATE IT! 

Godamnit I'm flustered. You don't go get cheap sushi. That's gross. You eat it occasionally and relish it with great appreciation. If you eat sushi all the time YOU. ARE. AN. ASSHOLE. Furthermore: you don't walk into a sushi restaurant and order a mountain of food at once. You also don't hork down your meal in a half an hour. How embarrassingly American.

No. You do your fucking research on locations, you go to sushi, you sit the fuck down at the fucking sushi BAR, you order one thing at a time, you take like 3 fucking hours, you buy the chefs lots of sake, and you tip ludicrously well. Do it right. 

I don't have a car. I live cheaply in an rv on a farm. I don't buy fancy clothes, shoes or electronics. My diet is my highest priority, and with that interest in mind I give Japanese cuisine the highest respect. I mean look, I actually got angry. weird. I digress, it was Jim's Birthday and I made him this for his dinner. It's not necessarily sushi at all....more like Japanese Italian fusion

 Course #1

Prawn Miso with Enoki Mushrooms

 Course #2

Local Oysters with Secret Mignonette, Wasabi Tobiko

 

Course #3:

Seared Local Scallops, Shiso Pesto,  Roasted Pear Tomatoes and Garlic

 

Course #4

Local Halibut Ceviche, Jalapeno, Tangerine, Garlic Chips, Cilantro-Yuzu Vinagrette

Course #5

Channel Islands Uni, Qual Egg, Ikura

Course #6

Ahi Poke, Mango, Macadamia Nuts

Course #7

Snow Crab Roll, Haphazardly Wrapped in Avocado

Course # 8

Mixed Sashimi, Philadelphia Roll (Because it's Jim's Favorite "Dessert Roll")