Episode 1: Cooking a godamn chicken.

In case you couldn't decipher my pathetic drunken slur of a cooking show (Watch it!), here are some CRUCIAL elements to remember as far as ingredients and cooking times:

Oven Temperature: 425 Degrees

-Put potatoes in the oven while preheating, don't take them out until ready to serve. Don't forget the fucking holes or they will explode into a million pieces just like all of your hopes and dreams.

-Remove chicken from its illustrious blood bag. 

-Remove and discard organ packet at your liesure

-Separate garlic cloves and place around chickenbeast in some sort of appropriate cooking dish.

-Season the chicken liberally with garlic salt, tarragon, and fresh ground pepper. Don't forget that fresh rosemary butt plug if one is handy. If you cannot find a fresh rosemary butt plug....Whatever. 

You want your chicken to look like this:

-Put the chicken in the oven once it's preheated. Set a timer for one hour. Don't open the fucking oven until that timer goes off, or unless your oven catches on fire because it's incompetent.  

-Make your salad dressing. Remember! One part vinegar to three parts olive oil (changed my mind about that)....and get something nice. Add a heaping spoonful of whole grain mustard and stir it very half-assedly. Who cares. It's all gonna get to know each other in the bowl. 

-Fart out a salad. It's not rocket science...it's....salad.

-When the timer goes off, take your chicken out of the oven and hack that shit up with all the finesse of a blind baby eskimo. Put it on a plate with your potatoes and salad.  Take that plate out to your nearest dinner guest and be like "shit yeah mo'nucka."

- Eat your delicious dinner, chill the fuck out and coerce your manfriend into making you a martini while you put your feet up and come down from your labor intensive evening.

The End.